My mind has been wandering for a few days. There's an internal battle going on that I can't shake. Everything is about labels, supposedly. So, I labeled myself - years ago - I was heterosexual. That was the "right" choice. But I couldn't shake my attraction to women. My first relationship was with a girl - I was 14 - she was transgendered....or so it seemed at the time. The first time my lips touched another woman's....I was gone. That tender, strange, perfect, erotic, unsettling, sexy, familiar sensation was something I knew I could never shake (like Pringles - once you pop....). Both men I shared time after April knew of this desire I had. In the course of 6 years, I ended up sleeping with nearly every female friend I had while having a relationship with the first guy and a marriage with the second. After my marriage died, I realized that I could not connect with men - it wasn't anyone's fault - it just was. What I needed from a man - security, strength, stability...I could find those things within myself. I was a lesbian by goddess. I have been with my lifelove for over seven years and she is the most fluid perfection for my spirit. She is my best friend - she and I exist in terrific harmony.

Now, all that's speaking in emotional and spiritual terms. My heart is totally complete with women, with her. But my sexual appetite and desire for polyamory is a different facet from that. I still long for multiplicity in the most perfect form - I wish for someone who can form the most perfect triad of souls. We have had numerous sexual encounters and relationships with a third woman - but always, it either is empty or becomes empty - or painful - or whatever. Still I long.

Now that's all fine and good. But I have been taken aback. Here I am....a totally complete lesbian (heartwise) and a seeker of the triad.....all's well? Nope. I had to get thrown for a loop.

Not too awfully long ago, I met a man....married, bisexual....yippie. We have very much the same types of desires and talk has been fabulous with him. Something occured recently that has sparked a real sexual desire in me for him....and it's fucking with my head. I swore off men. That's the deal when you take the oath - I got the handbook for hell's sake. The badges - I have most of them....what'll the sorority say? Where's my label??

Does one function better in a society when grouped? The poly side of me says of course. The lesbian side of me agrees. But the side that needs to be accepted is struggling now - for where would I find acceptance - in my heart, by my love, with my friends, peers, the world....if I keep peeling off the labels in exchange for another? Why can't I be happy just BEING? Why the need for labels at all? I don't know the answer to that. I just know that it isn't one type of this or one type of that anymore - in any aspect. It's individuality in its perfect form.

I want this man. I want other things too. That must be it - I want too damn much - I can never be satisfied.....ugh. If I wasn't meant to feel these ways, why do I?

ugh ugh

Who am I now? How do I explain me to her, to everyone, when I don't know? I've already caused enough pain by defining and redefining myself - do I really want to do it again? Why does this matter - does it have to?

ugh ugh ugh